walking, and Zumba and Push-ups ..OH MY!....
walking, and Zumba and Push-ups ..OH MY!
Now .. Louder in faster... just like in Wizard of Oz.
WALKING AND ZUMBA, AND PUSH-UPS OH MY!!
That's a little bit of what my life has been like the past 3 1/2 weeks. I made a resolution to get healthier, only not only did I make that resolution. I made a promise....
A promise to be healthier for myself, and for my girls. A promise to honor the body God has given me, since I only have one and I don't get a replacement... (though I have been told you can replace parts of it.... for a price!)
I can't tell you how much better I feel! I am down 7.4 lbs as of my last weigh in!
I KNOW RIGHT??? AWESOME!!!!
It took me 2 months to lose that much before... So I am pretty psyched.
But can I be honest with you? Today, although I am healthier than I have been in years.... I feel like freaking crap. I'm not only Dorothy in Oz, I'm INSECURE Dorothy in Oz...... I feel lost, and I don't trust anyone, and worst of all..... the voices of people past that have put me down, told me I wasn't enough, or told me I wasn't good enough.... have recycled through my head all day long, like the cackling voice of the wicked witch of the East.
I know in these times, when I am weakest is when God uses others to speak to me, or tell me what I need to hear.... and he did that today....But I realized that there is this wall up that will not allow those things to permeate into my sub conscious. Which makes me feel weaker... scripture says when we are weak, that is when we are strong... but I don't think I have figured that one out yet. Does anyone have that figured out?
Also, for the first time today someone told me to be myself... be free to be myself.
You may think that everyone hears this, and It's almost like the world says this... "Be yourself" in reality the world and most people in it only want you to "Be yourself if it fits into their mold of who they want you to be." Sadly, this goes for Christians and non-Christians.... so what does that make...
Me. A very confused Dorothy, who has what it takes in her to get 'home' but because of all the opposing views from my own heartless tin man, cowardly lion, and brainless scarecrow throughout the years.... I am not even sure who I am.
I may have found the beginning of my yellow brick road today, in an unlikely source.... and I will try to believe that source, and take this .... all of this... weight and insecurities and all, and follow my yellow brick road to my emerald city.... even if I have to Zumba ALL the way.
Friday, January 24, 2014
Friday, January 3, 2014
Talk about lack of committment
So I decided, New Year... New Me.... blah blah blah..... you know the hype. With that, I thought it would be good to start writing in my blogs again. After all, I have to give myself a reason to live.
Checking this post, I realized I had written in here since April 2013! When I first started this so called journey. Talk about short lived!! HA!
I got very discouraged last time because I was working out about an hour a day every day, for 5 days.... and in a two month time frame I only lost 8 lbs.... total life change, and I only get to lose 8lbs for it??? Really??
I know... i know... that's good... that's healthy....but for my weight size to only lose 8lbs ... well... it doesn't really make a difference. You Can't see it, and I can't see it.
However, now I am back in the land of the skinny and healthy and my overbearing size is becoming more ominous by the day... with health critics everywhere, and everyone dieting... It's hard not to look at myself and realize that I would take that 8lbs if I could get it... and I need to. I need to get it. Healthy. Controlled. Sugar Free. Whatever 'It' is.
So, I am starting again... I don't know if I will do the hour a day thing at the gym, but I will work out, and I will resolve to eating less, and healthier.... even if it means I feel like I am starving for the first year!!
I know.... a year is a bit dramatic... But the past few days I made a drastic change in diet and not only have I felt non-stop hungry, but I have also had a stomach ache, been nauseaus.... etc... all good things I am told when you are detoxing and eating better, I just wonder how long it's going to last.
Not only that, but it seems my whole life the girl I have seen in the mirror has been a disappointment. I know the eating thing is linked to something deeper, but I just wonder if the day is ever going to come, and I am going to like the blue eyed girls staring back at me. Because as of right now... she could never do enough to make me happy.
Checking this post, I realized I had written in here since April 2013! When I first started this so called journey. Talk about short lived!! HA!
I got very discouraged last time because I was working out about an hour a day every day, for 5 days.... and in a two month time frame I only lost 8 lbs.... total life change, and I only get to lose 8lbs for it??? Really??
I know... i know... that's good... that's healthy....but for my weight size to only lose 8lbs ... well... it doesn't really make a difference. You Can't see it, and I can't see it.
However, now I am back in the land of the skinny and healthy and my overbearing size is becoming more ominous by the day... with health critics everywhere, and everyone dieting... It's hard not to look at myself and realize that I would take that 8lbs if I could get it... and I need to. I need to get it. Healthy. Controlled. Sugar Free. Whatever 'It' is.
So, I am starting again... I don't know if I will do the hour a day thing at the gym, but I will work out, and I will resolve to eating less, and healthier.... even if it means I feel like I am starving for the first year!!
I know.... a year is a bit dramatic... But the past few days I made a drastic change in diet and not only have I felt non-stop hungry, but I have also had a stomach ache, been nauseaus.... etc... all good things I am told when you are detoxing and eating better, I just wonder how long it's going to last.
Not only that, but it seems my whole life the girl I have seen in the mirror has been a disappointment. I know the eating thing is linked to something deeper, but I just wonder if the day is ever going to come, and I am going to like the blue eyed girls staring back at me. Because as of right now... she could never do enough to make me happy.
Thursday, April 4, 2013
This calorie counting nonsense is for the birds.
Hey reader,
So I'm not a very consistant blogger, I like to leave you hanging on for more, so that you keep coming back. :) Just kidding. My inconsistant blog goes along with my inconsistant life... and the overall turn of events that happen on a day to day basis. I think it would be good to blog weekly though. I'm sure you are all dying to know how much weight I'm losing and what a hell it is to keep to up with this. ;P (That was a joke by the way) No, but seriously I appreciate that someone reads this nonsense. Makes me feel better about the journey.
So referring to the journey..... today is day 11. I have lost 5.2lbs so far, and have counted 28,432 calories, or close to it. Did you know that those sneaky little devils are in everything? Even fruits and vegetables. GAH!!!!! I think my version of heaven will be to eat what I want and have the calories removed. There are days even now, where I pray for God to remove the calories from food before I eat it. Yes, I have done that. I'm pretty sure he has answered that prayer a few times, because I'm still losing weight regularly.
So, minus the calorie counting... portion control, and cutting out a lot of junk I shouldn't be digesting, this week has been slightly easier on some levels than last week. I still have intense sugar cravings. (What can I say? I am addicted.) Though I have cut it out at every level, minus the chocolate binge I had last night. 290 calories I believe, of pure unadulterated lustful hershey's chocolate. I enjoyed it too.
I have learned already that these brief lapses of joy (also known as cheating) are perfectly acceptable as I fight to become a healthier me. Talking to a friend today, we discussed the importance of not taking everything we enjoy out a healthier lifestyle cold turkey, but working up to that. Beginning with small changes here and there. For example on change I have already made is to replace milk with almond milk. The healthiest choice is coconut milk, but I didnt like it so much when I tried it a few years ago. I will try it again soon, I know that our taste buds change.
I have also exchanged lunch meat for fat free turkey breast, white bread for whole grain honey wheat bread and sugar and creamer, for fat free non-dairy creamer. So, its a gradual build up. Remember the story of the turtle and the rabbit? The Rabbit, obviously the faster animal could of won the race no sweat, but he kept stopping to tease the turtle and nap, because he knew that obviously the turtle could never win the race. The turtle was too slow. Then who ended up winning? The turtle.
Slow and steady wins the race. So that is how I am fighting this. Slow and steady.
The several other times I have started this, I have given up quickly and failed miserably. I am positive it was because I have pushed too hard too fast. So, today I am just grateful for a scale that shows progress, and diet that shows change, and a body that isn't dead tired from doing nothing. I feel so much better about myself, on so many levels. I cannot wait to stand in front of the mirror and like what I see again.
4 weeks ago, I stood in front of the mirror and liked what I saw, then my body started acting wierd. I felt tired, and icky and worst of all fat. It's one thing to know you're fat, but its another to FEEL fat. 2 weeks of that and I knew I couldn't keep up the way I was. Now, almost 2 weeks in, I dont like what I see, but I like who I am becoming. Someone who cares about the body, and temple that God gave her. Someone who cares about her family enough to make sure that she is healthy and is around for them as they all get older. And someone who is proud of herself for making better decisions.
Thankfully we live in a day of modern technology where we have apps that can count our calories, our weight loss, and keep track of our goals. I even found an app called GYMPACT that pays you to go to the gym. I know, cool right? You install the app, and then you make a pact with the app that you will go to the gym anywhere from 3 to 5 days a week. The app pays you per day that you go to the gym. The more days you make a pact to go, the more it pays you. Here's the kicker. You miss a day, and it charges you. I believe the lowest amount is $5. Money is a good way to motivate me, so I feel like I win all the way around. Anyway, let me know if you want to try it (the app is free) and I will send you a link invite to through FB or text.
As of right now, my first goal is to get under 200lbs. I haven't been under 200lbs in almost 8 years. I think it would be a huge accomplishment, and I can definitely use the encouragement. Then long term, down to 180, and eventually the required weight for my body frame and size which I believe is 155 lbs. One step at a time, I'm OWNING this turtle body! :)
Anyway, for all of you on your own health journey, I'm praying for you, and I love you.
Thank you for your friendships, and support.
A. Esqueda
So I'm not a very consistant blogger, I like to leave you hanging on for more, so that you keep coming back. :) Just kidding. My inconsistant blog goes along with my inconsistant life... and the overall turn of events that happen on a day to day basis. I think it would be good to blog weekly though. I'm sure you are all dying to know how much weight I'm losing and what a hell it is to keep to up with this. ;P (That was a joke by the way) No, but seriously I appreciate that someone reads this nonsense. Makes me feel better about the journey.
So referring to the journey..... today is day 11. I have lost 5.2lbs so far, and have counted 28,432 calories, or close to it. Did you know that those sneaky little devils are in everything? Even fruits and vegetables. GAH!!!!! I think my version of heaven will be to eat what I want and have the calories removed. There are days even now, where I pray for God to remove the calories from food before I eat it. Yes, I have done that. I'm pretty sure he has answered that prayer a few times, because I'm still losing weight regularly.
So, minus the calorie counting... portion control, and cutting out a lot of junk I shouldn't be digesting, this week has been slightly easier on some levels than last week. I still have intense sugar cravings. (What can I say? I am addicted.) Though I have cut it out at every level, minus the chocolate binge I had last night. 290 calories I believe, of pure unadulterated lustful hershey's chocolate. I enjoyed it too.
I have learned already that these brief lapses of joy (also known as cheating) are perfectly acceptable as I fight to become a healthier me. Talking to a friend today, we discussed the importance of not taking everything we enjoy out a healthier lifestyle cold turkey, but working up to that. Beginning with small changes here and there. For example on change I have already made is to replace milk with almond milk. The healthiest choice is coconut milk, but I didnt like it so much when I tried it a few years ago. I will try it again soon, I know that our taste buds change.
I have also exchanged lunch meat for fat free turkey breast, white bread for whole grain honey wheat bread and sugar and creamer, for fat free non-dairy creamer. So, its a gradual build up. Remember the story of the turtle and the rabbit? The Rabbit, obviously the faster animal could of won the race no sweat, but he kept stopping to tease the turtle and nap, because he knew that obviously the turtle could never win the race. The turtle was too slow. Then who ended up winning? The turtle.
Slow and steady wins the race. So that is how I am fighting this. Slow and steady.
The several other times I have started this, I have given up quickly and failed miserably. I am positive it was because I have pushed too hard too fast. So, today I am just grateful for a scale that shows progress, and diet that shows change, and a body that isn't dead tired from doing nothing. I feel so much better about myself, on so many levels. I cannot wait to stand in front of the mirror and like what I see again.
4 weeks ago, I stood in front of the mirror and liked what I saw, then my body started acting wierd. I felt tired, and icky and worst of all fat. It's one thing to know you're fat, but its another to FEEL fat. 2 weeks of that and I knew I couldn't keep up the way I was. Now, almost 2 weeks in, I dont like what I see, but I like who I am becoming. Someone who cares about the body, and temple that God gave her. Someone who cares about her family enough to make sure that she is healthy and is around for them as they all get older. And someone who is proud of herself for making better decisions.
Thankfully we live in a day of modern technology where we have apps that can count our calories, our weight loss, and keep track of our goals. I even found an app called GYMPACT that pays you to go to the gym. I know, cool right? You install the app, and then you make a pact with the app that you will go to the gym anywhere from 3 to 5 days a week. The app pays you per day that you go to the gym. The more days you make a pact to go, the more it pays you. Here's the kicker. You miss a day, and it charges you. I believe the lowest amount is $5. Money is a good way to motivate me, so I feel like I win all the way around. Anyway, let me know if you want to try it (the app is free) and I will send you a link invite to through FB or text.
As of right now, my first goal is to get under 200lbs. I haven't been under 200lbs in almost 8 years. I think it would be a huge accomplishment, and I can definitely use the encouragement. Then long term, down to 180, and eventually the required weight for my body frame and size which I believe is 155 lbs. One step at a time, I'm OWNING this turtle body! :)
Anyway, for all of you on your own health journey, I'm praying for you, and I love you.
Thank you for your friendships, and support.
A. Esqueda
Friday, March 29, 2013
Give me CHOCOLATE... or give me DEATH! Death it is...
Dear reader,
If your logging in for the first time.. there is a few things you should know. First of all. I am a big girl. I don't mean big girl like, I can tie my shoes, and pick out my own clothes... I mean BIG girl. I guess I didn't realize how big. I mean I have been the same size FOR-EVER! I have struggled with my self esteem, come on... what chick doesn't? But I have never really felt bad about my size or my .. rolls. Unless I started comparing myself to all my skinny friends. Who are probably that way, because I ate all their food!
I've been through a lot, and through over coming it. I learned to like myself for something other than my looks... like my stubbornness and perseverance. :)I can also be very charming, and my husband thinks I'm the bees knees. So to be honest, that may have gone to my head. He treats me like such a queen, then I think I didn't know any better.
So let me just get you up to date. 5 days ago, I stood on a scale and weighed in at a charming 256.4 lbs. Cue shock and horror. Before that I had spent almost 3 weeks feeling less than awesome. Tired all the time, irritated and annoyed for no reason, I realized there was something very wrong. Now, cut me some slack... I didn't get there all by myself. I had 4 precocious little angels to add 15lbs to my frame every time my husband gave me that "come hither" look. Unfortunately, as we learn in school... 15 x 4 = 80. Add in a lifestyle of not eating right, and an addiction to chocolate, and we have a recipe for ..well, ME.
Anyway, I knew something needed to change so I decided to join a gym. There's an awesome one, that gives me just what I need for $10 a month, plus a lot of my friends go there. So its a good place. I was so excited to go to the gym (no idea where that came from, I have never been one to excercise) that I ended up going back every day since. So 5 days into the journey I have lost 3lbs. Cue applause.
So reader, this is where you come in. You get to laugh with me, cry with me, and watch my progress. I know... it's exciting isn't it? ( Did I mention I'm a bit of a comedian?) Also, I have a confession to make. I'm making cupcakes for my daughter's birthday party tomorrow. I ate one. Without frosting.... but still. Yes, it was worth it. I have been very good all week. I deserve it. Don't ever let anyone tell you that you don't deserve chocolate. Every woman deserves chocolate. I don't care if your 80lbs or 380lbs. Chocolate is good for us! It gives us happy boosters.:) Its like unhealthy prozac.
My friend did tell me that broccoli has the same thing as chocolate, that same happy booster thing.... I wanted to smack her.
Anyway, thanks for joining me on this journey.... I promise you'll want to read whats to come. It gets juicier! :)
-A.Esqueda
If your logging in for the first time.. there is a few things you should know. First of all. I am a big girl. I don't mean big girl like, I can tie my shoes, and pick out my own clothes... I mean BIG girl. I guess I didn't realize how big. I mean I have been the same size FOR-EVER! I have struggled with my self esteem, come on... what chick doesn't? But I have never really felt bad about my size or my .. rolls. Unless I started comparing myself to all my skinny friends. Who are probably that way, because I ate all their food!
I've been through a lot, and through over coming it. I learned to like myself for something other than my looks... like my stubbornness and perseverance. :)I can also be very charming, and my husband thinks I'm the bees knees. So to be honest, that may have gone to my head. He treats me like such a queen, then I think I didn't know any better.
So let me just get you up to date. 5 days ago, I stood on a scale and weighed in at a charming 256.4 lbs. Cue shock and horror. Before that I had spent almost 3 weeks feeling less than awesome. Tired all the time, irritated and annoyed for no reason, I realized there was something very wrong. Now, cut me some slack... I didn't get there all by myself. I had 4 precocious little angels to add 15lbs to my frame every time my husband gave me that "come hither" look. Unfortunately, as we learn in school... 15 x 4 = 80. Add in a lifestyle of not eating right, and an addiction to chocolate, and we have a recipe for ..well, ME.
Anyway, I knew something needed to change so I decided to join a gym. There's an awesome one, that gives me just what I need for $10 a month, plus a lot of my friends go there. So its a good place. I was so excited to go to the gym (no idea where that came from, I have never been one to excercise) that I ended up going back every day since. So 5 days into the journey I have lost 3lbs. Cue applause.
So reader, this is where you come in. You get to laugh with me, cry with me, and watch my progress. I know... it's exciting isn't it? ( Did I mention I'm a bit of a comedian?) Also, I have a confession to make. I'm making cupcakes for my daughter's birthday party tomorrow. I ate one. Without frosting.... but still. Yes, it was worth it. I have been very good all week. I deserve it. Don't ever let anyone tell you that you don't deserve chocolate. Every woman deserves chocolate. I don't care if your 80lbs or 380lbs. Chocolate is good for us! It gives us happy boosters.:) Its like unhealthy prozac.
My friend did tell me that broccoli has the same thing as chocolate, that same happy booster thing.... I wanted to smack her.
Anyway, thanks for joining me on this journey.... I promise you'll want to read whats to come. It gets juicier! :)
-A.Esqueda
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