The Zumba of Oz.

walking, and Zumba and Push-ups ..OH MY!....
            walking, and Zumba and Push-ups ..OH MY!
Now .. Louder in faster... just like in Wizard of Oz.

WALKING AND ZUMBA, AND PUSH-UPS OH MY!!

That's a little bit of what my life has been like the past 3 1/2 weeks. I made a resolution to get healthier, only not only did I make that resolution. I made a promise....
A promise to be healthier for myself, and for my girls. A promise to honor the body God has given me, since I only have one and I don't get a replacement... (though I have been told you can replace parts of it.... for a price!)

I can't tell you how much better I feel! I am down 7.4 lbs as of my last weigh in!
I KNOW RIGHT??? AWESOME!!!!

It took me 2 months to lose that much before... So I am pretty psyched.

But can I be honest with you? Today, although I am healthier than I have been in years.... I feel like freaking crap. I'm not only Dorothy in Oz, I'm INSECURE Dorothy in Oz...... I feel lost, and I don't trust anyone, and worst of all..... the voices of people past that have put me down, told me I wasn't enough, or told me I wasn't good enough.... have recycled through my head all day long, like the cackling voice of the wicked witch of the East.

I know in these times, when I am weakest is when God uses others to speak to me, or tell me what I need to hear.... and he did that today....But I realized that there is this wall up that will not allow those things to permeate into my sub conscious. Which makes me feel weaker... scripture says when we are weak, that is when we are strong... but I don't think I have figured that one out yet. Does anyone have that figured out?

Also, for the first time today someone told me to be myself... be free to be myself.
You may think that everyone hears this, and It's almost like the world says this... "Be yourself" in reality the world and most people in it only want you to "Be yourself if it fits into their mold of who they want you to be." Sadly, this goes for Christians and non-Christians.... so what does that make...

Me. A very confused Dorothy, who has what it takes in her to get 'home' but because of all the opposing views from my own heartless tin man, cowardly lion, and brainless scarecrow throughout the years.... I am not even sure who I am.

I may have found the beginning of my yellow brick road today, in an unlikely source.... and I will try to believe that source, and take this .... all of this... weight and insecurities and all, and follow my yellow brick road to my emerald city.... even if I have to Zumba ALL the way.

Talk about lack of committment

So I decided, New Year... New Me.... blah blah blah..... you know the hype. With that, I thought it would be good to start writing in my blogs again. After all, I have to give myself a reason to live.

Checking this post, I realized I had written in here since April 2013! When I first started this so called journey. Talk about short lived!! HA!

I got very discouraged last time because I was working out about an hour a day every day, for 5 days.... and in a two month time frame I only lost 8 lbs.... total life change, and I only get to lose 8lbs for it??? Really??
I know... i know... that's good... that's healthy....but for my weight size to only lose 8lbs ... well... it doesn't really make a difference. You Can't see it, and I can't see it.

However, now I am back in the land of the skinny and healthy and my overbearing size is becoming more ominous by the day... with health critics everywhere, and everyone dieting... It's hard not to look at myself and realize that I would take that 8lbs if I could get it... and I need to. I need to get it. Healthy. Controlled. Sugar Free. Whatever 'It' is.

So, I am starting again... I don't know if I will do the hour a day thing at the gym, but I will work out, and I will resolve to eating less, and healthier.... even if it means I feel like I am starving for the first year!!

I know.... a year is a bit dramatic... But the past few days I made a drastic change in diet and not only have I felt non-stop hungry, but I have also had a stomach ache, been nauseaus.... etc... all good things I am told when you are detoxing and eating better, I just wonder how long it's going to last.

Not only that, but it seems my whole life the girl I have seen in the mirror has been a disappointment. I know the eating thing is linked to something deeper, but I just wonder if the day is ever going to come, and I am going to like the blue eyed girls staring back at me. Because as of right now... she could never do enough to make me happy.